The Secret Language of the Workplace
Employer Lingo --
We remain competive by paying less than our competitors
Join our fast-paced team
We have no time to train you
Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect you to dress well
Must be deadline oriented
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day
Some overtime required
Some time each night and some time each weekend
Duties will vary
Anyone in the shop can boss you around
Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos
Requires leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect
Employee Lingo --
I'm extremely adept at all manner of organization
I can make my own coffee
I'm honest, hard-working and dependable
I only pilfer offfice supplies
My work experience includes ...
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers
I am adaptable
I've changed jobs a lot
I am on-the-go
I am never at my work station
I'm highly motivated to succeed
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here
The Simplified Bicycle Racer Category Chart
Walks on water, trains on ice, rides in anything. Sprints two
kilometers. Will attack on a 30% grade, going up or down. Can change flats
while riding. Resting heart rate is between 30 and 35, max heart rate is
200 to 230. Measures distance training in terms of Tour de France stages.
Rides across water, trains in snow. Sprints one kilometer. Will attack
on a 10% grade, going up or down. Can change flats while still in the pedals.
Resting heart rate is between 40 and 45, max heart rate is 185 to 200.
Measures distance training in terms of centuries per day.
Rides through water. Sprints 500 to 600 meters. Will attack on a 5% grade
going down. Can change flats in under 3 minutes, but must get off the bike first.
Resting heart rate is between 50 and 55, max heart rate is 185 to 200.
Measures distance training in terms of centuries per week.
Rides around water. Sprints 200 to 300 meters. Will attack on the flats.
Can change a flat in under 5 minutes. Resting heart rate is between 50 and 60,
max heart rate is 160 to 180. Measures distance training in terms of 10's per day.
Rides in light rain. Sprints 50 to 100 meters. Will attack on the flat
if someone in front falls down. Can change flats in best two out of three
tries. Resting heart rate is between 60 and 70, max heart rate is 160 to 170.
Measures distance training in terms of miles per day.
Rides alternate July17th's, if it isn't too hot and there are no pro sports
on the tube. Sprints two meters with 20 minute rest stops. Will attack a pizza
with both hands. Has noticed that the rear tire has been flat for two years.
Resting heart rate is 90, max heart rate is 93. Measures distance training in
terms of how far it is to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.
We have to admit we are fans of The Simpsons. Mr. Burns is
Alan's role model and Mike has much in common with Homer. And don't you
think that Joe bears a striking resemblance to Bart Simpson?
The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
If you really want something in life you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important
to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
| I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get
you through life.
Number 1: Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
| Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't go on strike. You just
go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
|| Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding
"you're making a scene."
It has been reported that Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the
auto industry stating; "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."
In response, GM issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"
or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
- Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key, and grabbed hold of the antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need
them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
- Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.